Hi,
Well lets see we have to move out of our current home into a "remodled" home in 6 months they are currently working on renovating/demolishing houses in our housing division and ours is scheduled probly in 6 months to be demolished. So I have started making the phone calls to find out the differance between regular house and handicap accessible houses. Knowing that having some things around to help will help concerve energy and might even be nessicary within the year. Right now I am just gathering information doing my home work so to say. So I let my husband know I put that call in and was waiting on someone to call back to answer my questions so he would not get caught off guard by a person calling saying they were calling to answer my questions about handicap housing. He got a discouraged look on his face and I had to force him to talk to me about what he was feeling/thinking he finaly told me that it was discouraging to hear about this kind of thing or to think about this kind of thing. He says he knows it coming and probly faster than either of us are ready for but its just hard for him to think about that kind of thing right now when he is seeing me as fully capable just in pain. He worries that I am just going to give up and put myself in a wheel chair and say the hell with walking and the hell with trying to find ways to get better. I can understand that worrie and told him that I was not giving up and that having somethings like bars to grab onto in the tub/shower were helpful but not nessicary and that if the handicap housing isnt much differnt just single story and more handles or bars around the house then I didnt see the point in avoiding it when we are already going to be forced to move in 6 months no since into moving into a nonhandicap house and then finding out 6 months latter that I do need those features and we have to move again. Well the next night Friday actualy the day that was just so awful he brought me home a bottle of wine! I havent had a drink in well over a year I dont know exactly when my last drink was but I do know its not be recent And I am not going to completly give up my adult privlages just incase. So any how he brought me the wine and when I went to open the bottle I could not twist the cap he was in the other room and could hear me guessed at what I was doing and told me to just wait and he would open it for me. So I did just that but I went to here he was and talked to him while he finished up what he was doing. I told him that while talking about handicap housing might be tuff for him to hear and I seem to be accepting it to easily its because I have already lived this. I have already givin up grocery shoping and going out of the house for the most part other than doctors apts and when I just need to get out because I know I can not walk long enough to make it threw a store especialy during winter months with the cold and wet. I told him that I can not open a simple bottle or jar sometimes I used to help my father build decks, and pole barns (great big barn shaped garage), and refurbish a car and things lke that and now I can hardly even open a soda or water bottle. Some days I cant type without a lot of pain, going out to play with my little boy in the snow would probly put me in the hospital. I said somedays the pain in my feet is so bad that using the breaks in the car is painful I have had to switch from a regular diaper bag and purse to a small carry on rolling suite case so that I dont have to carry all that weight and I can keep all my medical information with me to go to all these doctors apointments. I told him that I have already been slowly adjusting my life in small ways that he hasnt really noticed because they are not a big deal but to me they are nessicary changes and that is why I notice them. I am sorry that I am so much further along in my acceptance than he is but I dont have a choice what else can I do?!?! Ignore it and cause more problems? Get so depressed that I cry all day everyday and wont even get out of bed? Neither of those are going to do anyone any good. I have to accept adapt and keep on going. I am not giving up if I were giving up I would not be subjecting myself to all of these hours of doctors visits spending every spare moment I have thinking about this and searching for answers. I would not be doing phone interviews with doctors to see if they can help. I would just stop. I can not give up it is not an option for me. I spent 4 years put myself and my husband threw emotional hell and a misscarage b4 we finaly got pregnant and then our child was born 8 weeks premature weighing only 4 lbs 1 oz. He fought his way up to a big strong healthy wonderful boy I did not bring him into this world to abandon him or make him fend for himself all day while I lay in bed feeling sorry for myself! I did not bring him into this world so he could end up taking care of me way b4 he is done being takin care of himself. He is my world he is my reason for getting out of bed everyday and he is my reason to find a way to beat this thing. He is the reason I am taking the time to right my story and track my progress and symptoms decline and pain. Even if there is no cure found in my life time he will have something to refferance should he end up with this horrible problem or his children or grand children they will all have something I dont have the advantage of knowin what someone in there blood line has suffered threw and tried already!
Ok sorry thats nuff from me how are you all doing?
Shawna
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